Supporting someone
How to support someone who is struggling
You do not need the perfect words. Presence, patience, specific help and a clear response to safety concerns are more useful than trying to fix everything.
Reviewed November 2026 · 8 min read
Small changes in what you say can help
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| “You’re fine.” | “That sounds really hard. Do you want to talk about it?” |
| “Let me know if you need anything.” | “I can drop off food Thursday. Would 6 pm work?” |
| “I know exactly how you feel.” | “I can’t know exactly, but I’m here and listening.” |
| “You should just…” | “Would you like ideas, or would company be more useful right now?” |
Listening
Ask whether they want listening, ideas or practical help
Advice may be useful, but not always first. Ask what they want from the conversation. Let them finish without turning the discussion into your own story or a list of reasons they should feel differently.
Specific offers reduce the work the other person has to do. Food, transport, childcare, help with an appointment or a regular check-in can be more actionable than a general invitation to ask for anything.
When suicide or self-harm comes up
Take it seriously and ask about immediate safety
Stay calm and ask directly about suicide and immediate danger. You do not need to promise secrecy or handle the situation alone. Contact 988 for guidance in the US. If the person is in immediate danger or cannot stay safe, call 911 or go to an emergency room.
Stay with them when possible, reduce access to means of harm if it is safe to do so, and do not put yourself in physical danger. The crisis page provides clear options for you and for them.
Open crisis resources →Common questions
Does asking about suicide put the idea in someone's head?+
The Columbia Lighthouse Project encourages direct questioning as a way to identify risk and connect someone with help. Ask calmly and focus on support and safety.
What if they do not want to talk?+
Respect the pace while keeping the door open. Offer a specific check-in or practical help, and involve crisis support if safety is uncertain.
Should I promise to keep suicide a secret?+
No. Do not make a promise that could prevent urgent help. Be honest that safety may require involving others.
How do I protect my own capacity?+
Set realistic limits, involve other supporters and seek your own guidance when needed. You can care without becoming the only source of support.